WashingtonPost Late Friday night, police in Great Falls, Mont., received a call from a man in distress: He had come home to find his ex-girlfriend hiding behind his bedroom door, wielding a machete. She had somehow broken into the house while he was away, he said, and when he opened the door and walked into his room she confronted him from behind and held the machete to his neck. Then, according to a probable cause affidavit, she told him to take off his clothes. Samantha Ray Mears, 19, now faces six charges after police say she forced her ex-boyfriend to have sex with her at machete-point, damaged his property and fled just as they were arriving. She is charged with aggravated battery, assault with a weapon, unlawful restraint, partner family member assault and two counts of criminal mischief in Cascade County, Mont. It was not immediately clear whether Mears had an attorney. She allegedly told police the man kidnapped her and then gave her a machete to protect herself, according to the Great Falls Tribune. The man told police that once she told him to undress she ordered him onto the bed. He complied because he feared what she might do to him. Mears then took off her pants, climbed on top of him and started having sex with him, still holding the machete, the affidavit alleges. When the man tried to push her off, she bit him on the arm and kept going, he said. “After the intercourse,” the affidavit said, “Mears sat on the bed, still armed with the machete, with her back against the wall.” An argument began as soon as the sex ended, the man said, leading Mears to rip a piece of trim off his wall and then urinate on his bed, according to the affidavit. He found an opening to step away to pretend to call “Doug,” but really he was calling 911. Police say Mears fled the unidentified man’s home just as the cops were pulling up to his house. The man offered up his evidence once they arrived, according to the affidavit: a bite mark on his arm and pictures he took while Mears sat on the bed with her machete. Mears has a history of assault charges against the man, who she had been dating for approximately seven years, the Great Falls Tribune reported.
This absolutely crazy story is going viral, and it’s important to point out that if a man broke into a woman’s house with a machete and forced her to have sex, we would not be laughing about it. We would be horrified, we would be screaming to put him in jail for he rest of his life, to lock the monster up and throw away the key. However, it was a dude who was forced into sex with a machete, so we say things like “he was still able to get it up. He got laid. What’s he complaining about?” However, as a man, you never want to be naked around a crazy chick with a machete. You’re junk is on the chopping block, you could be the next John Wayne Bobbitt, and I give this guy a lot of credit for being able to perform under these terrifying circumstances. Also, after Samantha Ray Mears forced her ex-boyfriend into sex at machete-point, did she really have to piss all over his bed, that’s just adding insult to injury, and now that she marked her territory, he’s got to buy a new mattress.