WLOS A 54-year-old Corvallis man is accused of defecating inside a grocery store Monday evening. Police were called to Safeway on S.W. 3rd Street around 10 p.m., after store employees said a man had stopped in an aisle, lowered his shorts and defecated. He walked around the store, tracking feces as he went, until he finally left. He left behind a bag of belongings that identified him as Tim Kielty of Corvallis. Shortly after, a resident reported a naked, drunk man had walked into his home and defecated on his couch. When the resident asked him to leave, he demanded a towel. He was still inside the home when police arrived and arrested him on criminal mischief, trespassing and disorderly conduct charges. He told police he liked to use “whip-its,” cylinders of nitrous oxide used in making whipped cream. He was briefly hospitalized for evaluation but has since been released.
When you do a whip-it, you giggle and occasionally flop around like a fish, and the whole experience lasts no longer than fifteen to twenty seconds. It’s impossible to walk into a Safeway, pull down your pants, and take a dump while still high from a whip-it because the high does not last long enough. The same goes for walking into a stranger’s house, taking a shit on the couch, and demanding a towel. Another substance has to be involved, and based on the circumstances, I’m guessing booze. If you are going to take a crap on a stranger’s couch, booze is usually the culprit, whip-its are not even on the list of suspects.