BeforeItsNews 80-year-old Haji believes that “cleanliness brings him sickness.” That’s why he hasn’t bathed at all in the past 60 years. He lives in isolation in Dejgah village, in the Southern Iranian province of Fars. Haji hates contact with water. Even the suggestion of a bath makes him very angry. And all these years of escaping bath time have taken their toll – Haji is almost the color of earth. He has managed to completely blend in with his surroundings. In fact, it’s easy to mistake him for a rock statue if he sits very still. It’s not just bathing that Haji dislikes. His disgust for fresh food and clean drinking water is unmistakable. Instead, he prefers his favorite meal of rotten porcupine meat. He drinks 5 liters of water a day for health purposes, but only from a large rusty oil can. He likes to fill his smoking pipe with animal feces instead of tobacco. To trim his hair he doesn’t use clippers; he just burns it off over an open flame. An old war helmet keeps his head warm during the winter.
I’m sitting at my desk hungover after the divisional round of the NFL playoffs, just miserable, wishing I could be anywhere else today. That is until I read this article, because the worst place on the planet is standing anywhere near this dirty Iranian motherfucker. Haji does not just dislike water, he hates water, he gets angry if you even bring up the subject of showering. If Haji did not stink enough already, he smokes a pipe filled with animal shit, which might be the most disgusting thing I have ever heard, was he sitting around one day brainstorming how he could possibly stink more and he came up with the idea of smoking animal shit? I’m sure that’s good for your lungs, nothing like horse manure in the old respiratory system. Haji literally sleeps in an open grave, I say we just wait until he’s sleeping and bury him with those pine tree air fresheners they sell at gas stations, because I feel like I can smell him through my computer screen across the globe in New York City. In fact, I think I saw (and smelled) Haji eating rancid porcupine meat on the E Train this morning, but it might have just been a like-minded homeless person who shares Haji’s philosophy on bathing and also smokes animal shit.