Deadspin Football steakhead Rob Gronkowski is back! Well, he’s been playing for a few games now, but we know he’s really back because of the astounding answer he gave after being asked for his ideal superpower. Basically, the Patriots’ tight end doesn’t understand how time works. Gronk’s unfamiliarity with time machines came up while he was doing an interview with Scott Zolak of 98.5 The Sports Hub. The audio’s at the bottom of this page, if you’d like to listen—and you should—but here’s a transcription:
Zolak: If you could have a superpower, what would that one superpower be?
Gronk: Man, like, a time machine.
Zolak: You could be invisible…
Gronk: Does time machine count?
Zolak: Yeah, let’s do it. We could build a time machine right here.
Gronk: Like, if I could just be like, “I want to be in Florida right now,” and then boom, I’m in Florida.
Zolak: That’d be more like a transporter, like…
Gronk: Yeah, is that a superpower?
Oh, Gronk. It isn’t.
Gronk doesn’t understand how time works. Or maybe he doesn’t know what a plane is. Either way, it’s concerning. Does he know what happens when he gets on the big metal bird to go to away games?
I knew Rob Gronkowski was a total meathead, but it’s clear that the Patriots tight end has absolutely no clue as to both what a superpower is and what a time machine does. Hey Gronk, a superpower would be something like having the ability to fly, or being able to become invisible. A time machine brings you back to the past or sends you into the future, you may want to use the time machine to go back to when cavemen roamed the planet, you would fit right in.
No, Rob Gronkowski wants a time machine that can bring him to Florida whenever he wants, which is not the way thinks theoretically work.
I am surprised Gronk picked Florida as his perfected destination instead of someplace like Vegas, Florida is full of dangerous animals, gang bangers, drunk rednecks and drifters on meth. We have a whole section of our blog dedicated to how messed up Florida is, check it out: Fucking Florida: Tales From America’s Most Fucked Up State