Tampa Bay Times Jarvis Sutton said he wanted three things Sunday: food, drink, and drugs. He asked the wrong people for help getting those items, though. Police said Sutton, 34, of St. Petersburg, called 911 approximately 80 times on Sunday. “The defendant admitted to calling 911 because he ‘wanted Kool-Aid, burgers and weed to be delivered to him,’ ” an officer wrote in an affidavit. Sutton never got those things. Instead, he was booked into the Pinellas County Jail. On the way there, he started chewing foam attached to the metal caging in the back of the police cruiser, an officer wrote. Sutton faces a charge of misusing the 911 system, and was in jail Tuesday in lieu of $150 bail.
If I was the Florida cops, I would have screwed with Jarvis Sutton so badly. First I would have had a cop in full uniform deliver him weed, and say “You called 9-1-1 and requested weed, we cannot turn down a request in an emergency situation, here you go.” I would wait until he smoked the weed then had somebody dressed up like the Kool-Aid guy come crashing through his wall, screaming “OH YEAH! Did somebody order Kool-Aid?” Finally i would have had a guy dressed up like Ronald McDonald ask if he ordered Big Mac’s, and right when he thinks its the best day ever, Ronald slaps the cuffs on him. We totally ruin his high, freak him out for the rest of his life, and throw him in jail right next to Hamburglar. You screw with 9-1-1, we screw with you.
Thus concludes another chapter of “Fucking Florida: Tales From America’s Most Fucked Up State” for more click the “Fucking Florida” tag on this page.