Telegraph A 25-year-old drunken man tried to have sex with an ambulance, a court heard. Callum Ward, 25, was seen “pressing” himself against the emergency vehicle before “simulating a sex act” on the bonnet. Official police logs show an officer who saw him stated: “It looks as though he is attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance”. Ward was drunk and had taken cannabis and amphetamine and was “in relatively high spirits” before the incident in November in Barnstaple, Devon. He was first spotted setting fire to a packet of peanuts inside a phone box before mounting the ambulance, Barnstaple Magistrates Court was told. He was found guilty of being drunk and disorderly and in possession of Class B drugs. He was sentenced to a community order with a supervision requirement for six months and ordered to pay £60. Ward, of Barnstaple, told the court: “I did start using drugs and drinking. I have seen the error of my ways with that.” In 2007, Robert Stewart, of Ayr, Scotland, was placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.

Hold on a second. Before I even get to the main article, you can be placed on a sex offender list in Scottland for trying to have sex with a bicycle? How the hell do you have sex with a bicycle? The bike chains seem like they’d be dangerous. And how is this a sex offense? Was the bike parked in the playground of a crowded middle school?

Secondly, I love the fact that Callum Ward was “in relatively high spirits” because he should have been. He was hopped up on amphetamines, weed and alcohol, having the time of his life and setting peanuts on fire. Best night of his life.

Then that slutty ambulance caught Callum Ward’s eye, and he knew he had to bang it, how was he supposed to control himself around something as sexually attractive as an ambulance.

It’s just a shame that the police had to arrive on scene and break ambulance and Callum Ward up before they could consummate their relationship. I hope that the ambulance waits for Ward while he is in prison. I’m rooting for these two crazy kids to make it.