TCPalm A 34-year-old woman told Port St. Lucie police she saw a man in his vehicle in a plaza on Southwest Port St. Lucie Boulevard. He was “making an up and down motion in the area of his crotch,” a recently released police report states. The woman didn’t see his genitals but believed the man was masturbating. He started to circle the parking lot, and she began following him and called police.Police spoke to the man, also 34, who explained “he got the urge to scratch his testicles,” a report states. “He raised his right short leg up and began to scratch himself because of a rash … on his testicles,” a report states. He noticed the woman looking at him and stopped. He asked whether he could show police the rash to prove he wasn’t engaged in anything else. He “presented” his testicles to an officer, who verified the rash. Police determined the man, who has no criminal history, did not expose himself and found no proof that he was performing lewd acts in public.
The old “I wasn’t jerking off in my car, I was just itching this nasty rash on my nuts, want to see?” Excuse. Works every time.
So if you are a dude who enjoys jerking it in public, your best defense is probably to get a nasty rash on your ball sack. Run some poison ivy on your junk before whacking it in public and you’re good to go.