News4Jax A driver stopped Saturday night on suspicion of driving under the influence claimed the squirrel in his shirt was eating him. According to an arrest report, Warren Michael III produced the squirrel to show the deputy. The report says Michael also had a strong odor of alcohol on his breath, bloodshot and glassy eyes, flushed face and slurred speech. Deputies say they were responding to a report of a pickup truck driving erratically on U.S. Highway 17 on Fleming Island just before 9 p.m. When they caught up with Michael’s pickup on Pine Avenue off Mulberry Drive, the pickup was weaving, drifting off the road into the grass, nearly hitting a parked car, and over the center line, according to the report. Once stopped, the deputy said, Michael could not find his driver’s license or registration, and while looking, dropped most of the items he was holding. “I had the defendant secure the squirrel and then exit the vehicle,” the deputy wrote. The report said Michael swayed while performing a field sobriety test and had a hard time maintaining his balance or standing on one foot.
Warren Michael III, I want to know what the benefit driving drunk with a squirrel down his shirt has, was the biting keeping him alert? Was the squirrel down his shirt when he got in the car or did he have a squirrel in his car for this particular reason? Either way, strong move, but far more effective with a raccoon, honey badger or rattlesnake.
Thus concludes another episode of “Fucking Florida” tales from America’s most fucked up state. For more crazy tales from Florida, click the tag on this page. There’s plenty.