TIME Could a new infrared-camera technology render traditional drunk tests obsolete? Maybe, Wired UK reports. This could be good news for cops, as well as the uncoordinated among us, who were never very good at walking in a straight line even when stone cold sober, anyway. Wired points to a paper published in the International Journal of Electronic Security and Digital Forensics by computer scientists Georgia Koukiou and Vassilis Anastassopoulos of the University of Patras in Greece that outlines two new algorithms that may change the way we identify the drunks around us. The first algorithm utilizes thermal-image scans, since alcohol causes blood-vessel dilation. Koukiou and Anastassopoulos compared scans from subjects who were inebriated against sober subjects. In order to compensate for human, environmental and equipment variables, a second algorithm is used. This analyzes parts of the subject’s face: alcohol consumption will cause a person’s nose to become warmer, while their forehead stays cooler.
This better be bullshit.
Gone would be the days of having one too many beers at happy hour, chugging a glass of ice water, popping a five hour energy drink and a stick of gum and driving home. Gone would be the days of five beer liquid lunches. Gone would be the days of having a Sunday Funday and trying to hide in your cubicle or office bathroom stall while sweating pure alcohol for an entire Monday or Friday.
Personally I’m screwed, especially now that football season is here, because I spend every Monday morning fighting off a hangover from hell and ducking coworkers.
Now I’ll be getting scanned by infrared cameras and getting busted for being drunk at the office or hiding my hard-ons under my desk when the office MILF is leaning over in a low cut shirt or a short skirt and hooker boots combo.
This is the end of my career.