I am not a full time Blogger, sadly I have a day job like most my fellow Americans. Through the magic of mobile technology I am able to blog from work without being detected, and it is a beautiful thing.
As a fellow member of the American workforce, I am appalled at the way we treat our workplace bathrooms. It is time a Sports Blogger stepped up and tackled the touchy subject of Workplace Bathroom Etiquette. If not me, who? If not now, when?
I am by no means germaphobic, as a football player I was in locker rooms and as a student I lived in college dorms, two of the least hygenic places on planet earth. Those places are meant to be disgusting, but in the workplace, you are spitefully ruining a sacred experience for your fellow man. Why, I ask? This can be avoided if we follow these simple ground rules:
1) Do NOT Invade Personal Dumping Space: I work for a large company with many employees, we have vast bathrooms with numerous stalls, plenty of room to enjoy a huge post breakfast bran dump. Like many modern day men, I like to multi-task on the Porcelain Throne – I respond to emails, Facebook-Stalk Chicks or read sports blogs on my mobile device. Nothing ruins this experience more than, with plenty of vacant stalls and other options, someone decides to take the stall right next to me and drop explosive diarrhea. You needed to take the stall right next to me and drop that stomach hate, when I know you had other open options? How dare you? RULE #1: Whenever possible, leave at least a one stall buffer zone between you and other occupied shitters.
2) No Unnecessary Talking or Noises in the Bathroom: We have all played mobile phone games on the shitter before, I get it, but as a courtesy to your fellow man let’s turn the sound effects off. As I’m trying to force out the last few inches of a monster log, it would help if my concentration was not interrupted every two seconds by your game of Angry Birds. Cell phone calls are off limits while you are on the office shitter as well, I currently work with a guy who has lengthy conversations with his wife on the toilet in a public bathroom about who is taking the kids to soccer practice this weekend. You are identifiable by your voice dumbass, now we all know who is farting up stall two, this call couldn’t have waited until you got back to your desk? RULE #2: Silence your mobile device in the bathroom.
3) Clean Up After Yourself: I cannot count the number of times times I have swung open a bathroom stall only to discover a scene reminiscent of a Civil War Battlefield. Did a group of middle school kids break in to the office and toilet paper this stall like it was mischief night? And why is all of the toilet paper soaking wet? You know those sanitary toilet seat covers? Breaking news, they are flushable, so stop leaving 18 of them stacked up on the toilet seat for the next guy to deal with. How did a pube get on top of the urinal? Does Shaq work here? Thanks for leaving your sloppy pile of shit unflushed, the only way this is acceptable is if it is a truly impressive “Unbroken Iceberg Log” of 20 inches or more, a sight where the next man to enter the stall would have no choice but to be impressed. Even Mahatma Gandhi would pause and acknowledge the splendor of an perfect Unbroken Iceberg Log. RULE #3: Leave Your Bathroom Stall In Useable Condition For The Next Guy.
We are men. We are now living in a world catered to women, kids and metrosexuals. We don’t ask for much. We just want a paycheck at the end of the day, a cold beer, a sporting event on television and to be left alone. And some pussy. We are all out there everyday fighting the same war, so look out for your fellow man, and he will do the same for you. Follow the three rules above, and let’s make the trip to the office bathroom as painless as possible for each other. (John Lennon’s “Imagine” plays over that last paragraph.)