We learned on Wednesday that sloppy sunburned super-skank Snooki, from MTV’s reality show disaster “The Jersey Shore” is pregnant. The story was breaking national news, dominated the headlines, and proved once and for all that our country is deep, deep in the shitter. If you stopped what you were doing and listened carefully you could actually hear our once proud country’s Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves.
I spent the rest of my day thinking about the NFL off season and draft, which I probably would have done anyway, because I was unable bring myself to look at Facebook or Twitter and read all of the posts and tweets regarding Snooki. Eventually, I hopped back on twitter to discuss the NFL Combine, when I saw a Snookie-related tweet that sent my mind spiraling out of control:
“Snooki is pregnant! Who do you think the father is? Who would be funniest as the dad?”
Jeremy Lin is clearly the answer. The Knicks breakout star point guard who came out of nowhere to turn the Knicks season around and became a media sensation as the first Asian-American player in NBA history. The answer took me less than a second, and other answers are nowhere near as funny, it’s not debatable. If you have been stranded in the Amazon, surviving by drinking your own piss and eating centipedes for the last month, Lin went undrafted out of Harvard and had been cut by two NBA teams (Warriors, Rockets) when he caught on with the Knicks. He was buried on the bench until injuries forced him to play, since then Lin is averaging over 20 points and 8 assists a game, and has turned the Knicks into legitimate NBA title contenders.
A scenario where Jeremy Lin could be the father of Snooki’s baby is not totally unthinkable. Let’s say Lin and teammates Landry Fields and Jared Jeffries go out to celebrate at 1oak on February 10th, following Lin dropping 38 points and 7 assists in a Knicks home win over the heavily favored Lakers. When they arrive at the club, Snooki (who lives in the area now, Jersey City, unfortunately) is staggering around the bar in a drunken stupor, attempting to dance but falling down and vomiting on the floor. She is asked to leave, but refuses, and scratches the bouncer’s face as he tosses her out the front door. As a soft spoken Christian and all around good guy, Lin sees a woman in distress, and rushes to her aid. He offers to buy her a cab home, when suddenly a piegon that got into the Olsen twin’s coke stash flies directly into Lin’s temple, leaving him dazed and confused. A disoriented Lin falls into the cab, and Snookie on instinct (or Lin-stinct) does the only think she knows how to do to a disoriented man. She forces herself upon him. The rest is history, and Lin is the father of this gross, tan, mutant baby. It would be on the cover of the New York Post with pun headlines for a decade. About a week after the encounter, Lin would become the first basketball player since Wilt Chamberlin in 1972 to be placed on the injured list with chlamydia.
I started thinking of the twitter hastags: #Lin-semination #Lin-pregnated #pregLint. It would be a social media frenzy the likes of which has never been seen before. The two groups of people that abuse twitter the most – gossip queens (chicks and gay dudes) and sports nuts – would go into a tweet frenzy. I think it would break twitter and take down the internet. With everyone trying to reboot at once, power grids would shut down, those guys from the show “Doomsday Preppers” would be speeding to their bunkers with middle fingers out the window. Without electronics in modern society, how long would we last until we were surrounded by complete and utter chaos? Nobody could access money to obtain goods, riots would erupt in the streets, and the the world would be sent into a full scale apocalypse.
The Mayans were right, in 2012 the end of the world is upon us, civilization will shut down and societies will crumble. All because a disoriented Jeremy Lin knocked up Snookie.
I blame that coked up piegon.